CNN reports that in the sleepy hollow of Melbourne’s North East, the Chinese earthquake disaster with it’s 20,000 fatalities, has been wiped off the front pages of local newspapers, by the “great 3 Ravens beer scandal”.
A noted local connoisseur, WJ Beer-nuts, was quoted as saying “I allus has one at eleven”, in between rummaging through empty cartons for that elusive “needle in the haystack”. He said “we get a couple of boxes delivered each week, usually on a Tuesday, but today, none, zero, zilch”. He also went on to say that in fact the delivery van had in deed turned up, only to steal “his kitchen”. At the time of going to print, that cannot be verified, however, there is a trail of cooking oil leading from the “kitchen storage area” through to the car park, where a getaway delivery van could in deed have been parked. Local resident and part time human rights campaigner, “Blind Harry”, who is fact blind, said he didn’t see anything suspicious, but may have heard a door slam. Harry, who’s ears are painted on, and has no nose, or fingers and eats with his toes, and cannot be relied upon as a credible witness, but was keen to identify the driver from a police line up hastily assembled from known felons who populate the area. Harry, speaking in Braille, identified the statue of David as the culprit, and after feeling his way around the plaster with his hairy toes. Another witness, Dyan, Princess of St George Rd Cross declined to comment, on the grounds that anything she may say, may be held against on the next pub crawl and finally Jehovah Witness, King Kong didn’t even see the accident……….stay tuned for further developments………..

Delighted anticipation turned to stunned disbelief this morning in a Heidelberg West engineering design office, as the 3Ravens brewery “Magic Bus” visited WITHOUT DROPPING OFF ANY BEER !

Hundreds of eager office workers rushed to the windows at the sound of the beloved “slide-bang” or the venerable VW. But then - “It was jaw meets floor” said glum engineer Ben Pattison (35), describing his reaction, and that of many of his collegues, upon departure of the van. “We didn’t believe it and just kept staring out after the van, hoping it would turn around and come back.”

“We love 3Ravens beer and just can’t understand how they could do this to us” continued Peter Fitzgerald (63) a director of the engineering company. “I’m kind of hoping that they’ll read this and drop off say 3 cartons (1 Black, 1 Blond, 1 Dark) as a gesture of reconciliation”